Winter Olympic Musings – Part I

My seven year old son keeps asking me if he can watch the Winter Olympics. I don't know where it comes from since I have little to no interest. He seems to know its important so he starts asking to watch as soon as he is out of bed.

Upon his request we watched a little of opening night.  If I am going to watch with him I want some changes. Like all good Americans I am quite certain that my opinions can improve just about anything.  So I offer you seven (one for each olympic ring plus two for the continents not included  - Antarctica and Atlantis) ways to improve the Winter Olympics.

1. Change bobsledding. This event is won or lost in the initial push. However, we then have to watch the team go on a joy-ride for the rest of the race even though their fate is sealed. On top of that, they don't race against anyone and the difference between first and last place is about a nano-second. Consequently, there is no way for the spectator to distinguish a good run from a bad run. Unless we have announcers going apoplectic because Hans just passed Franz by .0000000001 seconds we don't know what is going on. They all look alike.  I propose we change this into battling bobsleds where four teams enter the run from different chutes and then battle each other to the finish line. We did this with our red plastic sleds when I was a kid. It was awesome except we broke our sleds all the time. This would become a crowd favorite, kind of NASCAR on ice meets Ultimate Fighting.
2. Eliminate curling. I don't want another video trying to convince me curling belongs in the Olympics by showing me all its complexities. Its shuffleboard on ice with brooms. Is it a skill? Yes, but so is ironing and we don't make that an Olympic sport. Maybe if we mixed ironing with billards they would. I could see the pool ball being hit and two ironers going in front of it trying to control its stopping point. Yawn.
3. Since I eliminated something I will add something. Snowball fighting. This is the main winter sport I grew up with. This would be awesome. Each country has an army and a fort and they go to war. This could be the last event of the games and even replace the closing ceremonies. They fight until someone runs home, wets their pants, or gets hit in the eye.
4. Change the biathlon. Skiing and guns are an odd combo but if you want to keep the event I would spice it up. Adding grenades and flamethrowers to the weaponry would help. It has potential as it is. It just doesn't go far enough.Viewing would increase dramatically as firepower increased.
5. Change ski jumping. I would add an adjustable water hazard equal to the distance of where the leader is after the first round. Water hazards always intimidate me in golf and I think it would intensify things nicely. You might even see skiers being forced down the run by the officials.
6. Change figure skating. I must be careful on this because many love these events, especially in my household. My problem is its judging is too arbitrary and political. I would allow the event to go forward unchanged. However, instead of the ruse of "expert" judges I would decide the winners with a playoff of rock/papers/scissors.
7. End Winter Olympic discrimination. These games are climatist. Half the world cannot participate because of warm climates and lack of mountains. I am of Syrian heritage. What chance did my grandparents growing up in Damascus have of making the Winter Olympics? Generations of deprivation have made it nearly impossible for me to make them also. Level the playing field or at least warm it. I demand the following in the name of equality for all: all ski events are to take place on hills of sand instead of snow; Syria is to be given a hockey team that is automatically placed in the quarter finals and has the five best Canadian players forced to be on it; the next Winter Olympics will be awarded to Ecuador; and finally, skaters must perform without skates since climate challenged countries don't have any.

I think that is a good start. I will get a petition going. Feel free to send me your ideas.

This post is longer than I anticipated and I haven't gotten to the eagerly anticipated cultural and theological application. I will put that in part II.