Ghana is a Goner

Sorry I’ve been gone a bit. What drew me back to my blog? World cup fever. In the past I have made some enemies because things I said were interpreted to be slams against soccer being an enjoyable spectator sport. I am not the same man.

So friends, Americans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come not to bury soccer but to praise soccer. Are not the activities of the soccer players evidence that they are honorable men? Are they not only honorable but also exciting and enjoyable to witness?

I will not repeat the errors of my past.

I will not lament the absence of scoring.

I will not infer that soccer is like a cross-country meet in a box.

I will not infer that the game has parallels to socialism because the rules (ie. can’t use your arms which eliminates 50% of your major appendages and means of production, and offsides which penalizes a player for being smarter and faster than his/her opponent) and the sameness of the players sacrifice individual excellence and achievement for group mediocrity thereby limiting production and overall excitement. I won't go there. I refuse.

I won't infer that other countries love the World Cup because it makes the US look wimpy and unremarkable.

I won't assert that worldwide soccer viewing data was produced by the same group that gave us Climate-gate and all the bogus climate change data.

I won't infer that soccer seems like a sport that should have evolved into something more complete and complicated.

I won't go there at all. I am so glad that I am a new man. To prove my enlightenment I came up with the inspiring slogan in the title of this blog. Ghana is a Goner. Who but a real fan could come up with that? I was hoping to market it but the game is coming up too quickly to get t-shirts made.

To help inspire you to catch my enthusiasm I suggest you try some or all of the following five ideas to rev up your World Cup Fever.

1.  Find someone from Ghana and dance around them chanting "Ghana is a goner". Foreigners love this kind of American enthusiasm.

2.  If you are playing any other sports during the World Cup weeks (ie. pick up basketball, volleyball, etc.....) end all your games when the score is 1 - 1.

3.  Bring a vuvuzela (one of those plastic horns everyone blows at World Cup games) to work and blow it every time you complete a mundane task. Your boss and co-workers will love it.

4.  Find several tasks that you normally use your hands for and use your head and/or legs instead.  For example, at a concert instead of clapping pound your head on your knee. The awesomeness of soccer will become much clearer to you.....once your head stops ringing.

5.  Be the first to write an anthology of great American soccer teams and players. It will sell like hot-cakes.....once we get some great teams and players.

6. A bonus offering. Lobby for honorary citizenship for Pele' since he is the only famous soccer player anyone knows. Then we can claim him as our own. Better yet, rename your dog or cat Pele' and make them wear a pet-sized soccer jersey as a constant reminder that the World Cup is all that matters.

Those are a few ideas. As for me I am looking to the future. As an encore to "Ghana is a Goner". I am hoping we play South Korea in round two and I can bust out my second round slogan of "We've got more Soul than Korea".  If we play Paraguay, my research revealed that they are the third leading exporter of chalkboards. "Erase Paraguay" and "Chalk up a victory" are all I have in that scenario so far. I sure hope South Korea wins.

Gotta go. I have to go feed and walk Pele'.