A Christmas Reformation

The disgruntled monk scurried across the snow covered courtyard.  A biting wind cut sideways across his path causing him to pull his cowl tighter around his head. His face revealed a holy resolve to reach his destination. He winced as he peered through the stinging snow to confirm his course. Within minutes he carefully but quickly swept up the five steps to the door of the church and pulled from his sleeve a scroll along with a hammer and two nails.

He began pounding the scroll to the weathered, wooden door. The bitter cold accentuating the painful vibration of each stroke.

Inside, one of the senior fathers was busy decorating for Christmas. He was cursing at a string of half-lit lights wishing they could go back to candles when he heard the pounding.

"Not that trouble-making Luther again," he said, his irritation growing.

He threw down the lights and went to the door.

"What trouble are you up to this time Martin Loser? Hey, you're not Luther!"

"No I'm not," replied the monk faltering slightly at the unexpected intrusion.

"Who are you, and what are you doing?" demanded the priest.

"My name is Matt," answered the monk with a nervous hesitation. "I am here to start a Christmas reformation," he continued with  jutted chin and growing confidence.

"A Christmas reformation. Bah! The last reformation cost us quite a bit in our attendance and giving. We had to start bingo nights to make up for lost indulgence revenue. I don't think we're going to allow that again. Let me see your reformation. I suppose you have 95 theses just like Loser Luther?"

"Well.... actually, I only have 9.5 theses," Matt replied with a slight blush coming to his face. "Y'know, I've got kids and a wife, and Luther didn't have either. I couldn't get 95 done, so I stopped at 9.5."

"Ah, a lazy reformer. They usually don't go to far these days," mocked the priest as he quickly eyed the 9.5 theses.

He read the theses aloud so as to hear their folly from his own pious voice.

CHRISTMAS REFORMATION: 9.5 THESES

1. Santa is out. Fired. Let go. Down sized. Right sized. Seeking other opportunities. Shown the door. Pink slipped. Discharged. etc....  End the confusion and diversion. (Obviously, I am very popular this time of year with my family.)

2. The giving of toys and other gifts made of plastic will cease immediately. It seems like each year my kids get a new assortment of plastic things that are quickly broken or forgotten. Worse yet are the ones that don't work out of the package, and I spend hours of my Christmas day trying to repair things which were never whole in the first place. This will save petroleum, landfill space, and a lot of frustration for parents.

Legos are the one exception. Why you ask?  Because they are awesome! They are the perfect toy. In the new heaven and new earth there will still be Legos. In their perfected state they will cost less, pieces will never get lost, and you will never step on one in the middle of the night causing excruciating pain to sweep through your body. I had them as a kid and now my kids have them. I have never seen one broken. I have never had one not work. They always fit. Unlike Santa, they deliver what they say they will deliver and more.

3. Parents will unconditionally release their adult children to do whatever they want from mid November to January 3rd. Free your children. This will bankrupt many marriage counselors, but that is o.k. The stress on marriages around holiday visits is incredible. Set them free. Most will come back, though not completely on your terms; however, you will have a much better time.

4. The watching of overly sentimental movies that distort theology and ignore our sin and brokeness shall cease. Sorry "It's a Wonderful Life", "Miracle on 34th St.", etc.... fans. We seem to care more about feeling good than about who Christ really is and what He came to do. In the words of Ravi Zacharias, "Christ did not come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people live." Don't let Frank Capra be your default theologian. Angels aren't like Clarence and redemption comes through repentance not believing in Santa.

5. The government will shift the bulk of the money it spends on military research to perfect Christmas light strands that will work for a minimum of 50 years regardless of loose bulbs or faulty storage techniques. Many of us can't dwell on this topic without expletives so I will move on.

6. Gasoline prices will be forced to $1 per gallon for the weeks before and after Christmas. Don't talk to me about supply and demand, war in Iraq, and China's ever growing demand for crude oil. I know profiteering when I see it. It's Christmas. Who wants to profit off of the coming of the Messiah? Well, besides everyone. The one and only time I am for price ceilings.

7. No new Christmas music will be recorded without me giving the o.k. I frequently cringe at who records Christmas albums, how many they record, and what songs they sing. Did Twisted Sister really need to do a Christmas album? This year's big cringe is a new Christmas cd from Annie Lennox. Lennox an 80's pop star with a dominatrix persona was part of a techno-pop duo called the Eurythmics. Lennox, whose birthday is December 25th, released a new Christmas cd with songs including Christian favorites such as The First Noel, Silent Night and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. In an interview with CBS about a new Christmas special with Mariah Carey, Ellen Degeneres, and President Obama, Lennox talked about her inspiration for doing the recording. Lennox told about old carols she loved to sing, but wanted to give them her own arrangement. She went on to expound how it all tied into getting rid of labels like sexual orientation to create a free and tolerant society. The one song she wrote for the recording is"Universal Child", which longs for this type of non-judgmental society free from hatred.

Confident of her place as moral spokesperson Lennox is offering a limited edition Christmas card (pictured below) depicting herself as an angel. Yes it is real. I would be afraid to make something like this up.

Annie, know the story of which you sing. Christ became man to fulfill a promise from the garden in Eden to save humanity from our own sin. In Bethlehem Jesus brings two things whose themes run through all of Scripture. Jesus brings salvation and judgement. Salvation because He is the God of love, judgement because He is the God of truth.

We humans should not see ourselves as angels (in part because there are real angels who are a different type of being than us). Rather we should see ourselves as wretched sinners in need of a savior whom we can only know through faith. He cannot be known through presumption.

8. No more Christmas cards. This one is too controversial for me to expound on. I'm prepared to abandon this theses to push the remainder through the Senate.

9. Every American must attend a performance of Handel's Messiah at Christmas and Easter. No exceptions. Then #7 would become moot. People would be less likely to buy Amy Grant's 15th Christmas cd.

9.5 The original Charlie Brown Christmas shall be made mandatory viewing in every household in America. Check the link for a sample.

The Meaning of Christmas

By the time the priest finished the reading his tone had warmed and there was a trace of a smile on the corners of his mouth. "And I thought Luther was crazy." he said as his smile gave way to laugh like.....well, like......Santa.